My Happiness Project

"...Men are, that they might have joy." -2 Nephi 2:25

I wouldn't say I am an unhappy person. It has just felt like something has been missing. I have thought it was a baby. That is why we have been working so hard to try an get pregnant. For whatever reasons, that is not what the Lord had in store for us. This brought up some questions for me. Was the Lord denying me happiness? Had I done something wrong that was preventing me from having this happiness? Or, rather, was there great happiness to be had in what I have already been blessed with?

Don't misunderstand me. I know I have been greatly blessed, and I am very grateful for what I have been given. I have a wonderful husband and a sweet little boy.  I just felt an empty spot inside that I was trying to fill.

Once I knew were probably weren't going to have another child, something I was pretty sure of long before we decided to stop trying, I tried to fill up that spot with other things. I started running to try and get the body I have always wanted. I started to read like crazy, both to increase my knowledge and for enjoyment. I started planning craft projects and homeschooling plans for my son. I even tried and talk my husband into a big family vacation. I felt I needed a change, like something had to give. I was trying to find true happiness through happy moments.

A happy moment, or fun, is play, pleasure, gaiety, merriment, source of enjoyment, amusement, to behave playfully, playful, often a noisy activity, and teasing. Happiness is contentedness, joy, delight, and satisfaction. Elder Costa of the Seventy said, "Many people in this world do not understand the difference between fun and happiness. Many try to find happiness having fun, but the two words have different meanings."

So if what I have been trying was the pursuit of fun, what should I do to gain happiness?

"As we seek to be happy, we should remember that the only way to real 

happiness is to live the gospel. We will find peaceful, eternal happiness 

as we strive to keep the commandments, pray for strength, repent of our sins,

participate in wholesome activities, and give meaningful service."

- True to the Faith (2004), 79-80

Elder Richard G Scott, in his talk Finding Joy in Life, recommended that we each make a list of things that we can do for happiness. This made me decide to start my own happiness project.

My Happiness Project: I am going to pick something that I know can bring me true happiness. I am going to work at incorporating it into my daily life. As each thing becomes a habit, as I hope it will, I will choose something else to work on. I think I am going to try and break it up into 2 weeks periods. After 2 weeks I can evaluate how things are going and if I am ready to add more "improvements" to myself, or rather a new goal.

Scripture study is my first goal. I used to be pretty regular with my scripture reading. I have struggled more lately. But notice I am going to work on my scripture study, not scripture reading. I am not going to worry so much about getting a chapter read. I am going to worry about taking the time to study and understand what I reading, seeking for inspiration about it. As I type this post, I am actually excited to get started.

What's With The Blog Title?

I decided to start blogging my feeling about infertility and having an only child in order for me to sort out my thoughts. When blogger asked me what my blog title and URL would be, I sat there and stared. The first task was finding one that no one else has already come up with. I tried a bunch, but none of them were available.

What to do? Then I remembered reading a blog post about not so lonely onlies. That was it! The title focuses on what I do have, the positive side of what I do have.

Only children often get a bad rep, and I will admit I believed most of them. I felt I was doing my son a disservice by not having more children.  I was the oldest of six kids and my husband was the oldest of four. Neither of have any idea about raising an only child.

Time Magazine did an article about debunking the myths about only children. Only children aren't always spoiled, over achievers, socially awkward, self-centered.  They don't have to be lonely onlies either. Only children are often similar to oldest children, something both my husband and I can relate to. By not giving my son a sibling, we have done nothing that will hinder him in life.

Although the road map we were following has changed, the destination hasn't. We are still striving to be a happy forever family, regardless of the size of that family.

Purging

I have been purging my house of baby stuff. You know, that stuff that you keep around for your next child? It is going. I have mixed feelings, like I do about this whole process. I am glad to be getting rid of boxes of stuff that is not used. I have a very small apartment and don't need extra clutter sitting around. I am also sad. I will admit, I teared up going through the boxes. Most of the big stuff is gone. All that is left is a box of blankets, burp rags, etc. I am keeping 4 small receiving blankets. I have grand plans of making them into a small quilt or something, but, in reality, I just couldn't let it all go. Maybe one day. One thing that helps is it has all gone to friends who have or are having babies. I am glad I was able to help them.

Our Story

Our story isn't anything extraordinary. It isn't that different than may people's stories. It just isn't what we had planned.

My husband and I met at college and were married in 2004. We always knew we wanted children. The discussion was how many. Somewhere between 3 and 5, but we weren't sure. We had time to worry about that later.

In 2005 we decided it was time to stay trying for children. No luck the first year. My cycle was all over the place, so I figured there was something wrong. I went to my doctor and discovered I had PCOS. He put me on some medication and six months later we were pregnant. In 2007 my son was born.

In 2009 we were ready for another child. Knowing I had some problems, we involved my OB/GYN from the beginning. We tried medication again. Nothing happened. After months of medication, my doctor started to suspect we had some other problems. We scheduled a laparoscopy. A large growth was removed, which was benign. Other than that, he couldn't see any problems. Then my blood work came back. I had sperm antibodies.

What followed was more medication, HCG shots, and IUIs (artificial insemination). None of it worked. Finally, IVF (in vitro fertilisation) was brought up. In the mist of all this, my husband took a job across the country. We moved and picked up were we left off with a fertility specialist.

The fertility specialist assured us that there were more steps we could try before jumping all the way to IVF, but he also let us know there was more testing he wanted to do. Now we were back on more medication. All of this started to translate to more money, time, and emotional roller coasters.

We had enough. Many people will understand how tired I was of thinking "this will be the month," only to start spotting. I was devastating, and it was happening month after month for 2 years. It was financially draining every time you got a new doctor bill. My husband finally asked the question of when do we draw the line in the sand? When do we finally accept it won't happen for us? For a while my answer was not any time soon. I always thought maybe the next medication or procedure would be the "the one". Finally, after a very discouraging week, we called it quits. No rhyme or reason to when we decided to stop. We had both just had enough.

It was recently this decision was made. Some days I feel so relieved to not be scheduling my life and occupying my thoughts with my cycle calender, like a burden has been lifted. Other days I think we were too rash in making this choice. Either way, we are done for now. What the future will hold, I don't know. What I do know is I have one amazing little boy. He will be 4 soon, and I am amazed the Lord blessed me with him. The more problems I have had trying for another child, the more I know my son is indeed a blessing beyond measure.

I know others who have spend more money or time than we did, and still didn't have a child. Some people will not even be able to have one. Like I mentioned before, our story isn't extraordinary, but it is my life. For better or worse.